Knowing your boundaries?

To have boundaries in life, it is necessary to have judgement about those boundaries and without it how would you know if you are living a good life with strong boundaries? This makes some people very uncomfortable as they believe that judging is fundamentally wrong, but this arises from a confusion in the world between judging people and their action, whilst it is a low quality behaviour to judge the nature of someone, their actions, what they do should be judged, otherwise how can you judge your own actions if you never take a position on how other people hold themselves in regard to others. When we see someone taking low quality action you need judgement about those action, it does not mean you need to tell them or lack empathy but you do need to make sure that they do not effect you, that is what your boundaries are there for and you can only defend them if you know what they are, what you want from life and how you want to be treated? Otherwise before you know it their action will change how you act, you will give up your own freedom to act in the way you want to be in the world.

There is a horribly passive school of thought that it is better to go with the flow, to not stand up for what you want in any particular situation, that it is better to do what others want as it avoids conflict, that decisions are bad, the universe is random and you should go along with fate. That is not a way to change the world, you do not change your life for the better by accepting the lemons as they are, you make it better by adding your own sugar to the mix and having delicious lemonade, the world is not controllable but your reaction is, that is what boundaries are there for, to add the sugar of self-knowledge. You can only make a journey by deciding where you want to go, you might change your mind on the way given new knowledge, but if you never make a decision to start going somewhere you end up going nowhere, and boundaries are the start of an internal journey to a better version of you, who stands up for who you are and what you want.

How you decide on your boundaries is up to you, but it starts by having judgement as to how you want to live your life, what is important to you, what you want, what you value, these questions are the starting point to having a good life, as you have to decide what that means to you. It is not a shopping list of things, no Amazon wish list has ever made anyone happy and that extends to the people in your life, you do not get to decide what type of people you currently have as friends, family, partners, but you do get to decide how you want them to act around you, how you react to them and if they get to have your company in the future. You get to decide if you walk away from people who act in a low quality way, that is your boundary and that is why you need judgement to decide if that time has come or whether you want to change the nature of your relationships.

That is why you need to know what your boundaries are early and often, if truth and honesty is important to you, you have to act with truth yourself, double standards confuse others and yourself, if it is what you want you need to show it, not tell others that is what you want and then act in a different way by never showing them your truth, showing by your action is the best teaching method to change the behaviour of others. If you want to be free spirited, you can not be jealous, if you want deep relationships, you can not be shallow, if you want love you must be loving.

You have to decide what is important to you, what kind of life you want, you might have boundaries about your conduct in your love life, business standards, the importance of pleasure, rest, sleep and work, freedom of expression, the treatment of people, animals, public space, manners, they guide your actions by knowing your principles. That is why boundaries are so important as they give you guidance as well as others, they give you a standard to measure your own behaviour against as well as others, though it does not make you a bad person if you fail to live up to them, that just makes you human who is trying to be a better version of themselves. That is what we mean when we say we do not judge the person just their actions, we are all trying, it is just that some are better at it than others but given the opportunity everyone would choose to be better.

When we protect our boundaries it is not just for ourselves but because they are a learning oppourtunity for others, it is by testing other people's boundaries that we learn to have our own, that we learn what high quality behaviour looks like, and if you do not have them how can you hope to teach others what they look like. That is why boundaries are the kindest thing that you can process, they are the ultimate teaching tool, words are not enough, actions are what are important and the action of protecting your boundaries is what you hope others learn from you even when it hurts them. It is not to say you have to be cruel, just firm and straight forward, tell them what you boundaries are and be consistent in your action with them, it is no use to say you have standards and then ignore them when you are overcome with desire. That are what boundaries are for, to set them and defend them even against ourselves, if you have decide to live with truth, you do not get to have small lies, you do not have to be painfully truthful with everyone but you do have to be fully truthful about the important thing and with the important people especially yourself.

That is always the most important thing to start being truthful with yourself about everything and why I think it is a core boundary to have, without it how do you know what about you want and how you are going to set your boundaries with others in the pursuit of those things you do want, you do not get to have everything but it is possible to get those things that are most important to you. You never get to control others but you do get to control yourself in the world, you get to decide what type of person you are, how you act and react to other's actions. You get to wake up evey morning and decide what actions you are going to take today with the full knowledge that you are going to have to deal with a world that will test your boundaries in everyway that is possible, you will deal with people who want things that your boundaries will not permit and you get to decide what those boundaries are and whether you are going to defend them for another day, and if you do that it will be a good day, and if you judge that you have had enough of them in a row, that will be a good life.