Say goodbye to what was?

There are plenty of things to say goodbye in a lifetime, change is the only constant, some goodbyes are bittersweet, others just painful, you can react well, poorly or indifferently with them but they will happen and all you can do is reduce the suffering as much as possible so you can be as free as you can be of regrets and enjoy your remembrances. That is the reason for goodbyes, it is so we can have closure, so we do not leave things unsaid that should be known, it is so we can exit stage right with skilfulness and elegance, you get the loudest applause when your part is done. As with everything we do, to be good at something we have to practice, learn and appreciate the art of a thoughtful goodbye, and the best crash test dummy is always yourself.

Every night you say goodnight, you are saying goodbye to who you were, you go into the night and dream of being you and you emerge a new person, often in a worse mood. The first order of business is sorting out what is real and what is not, did you really meet an old love, have you packed up all your stuff before the volcano exploded, these are all legitimate questions in establishing who you are, and who you are today is different from the person of yesterday, that person is gone, you might have some memories of the person, the experiences, knowledge but who you are today is up for debate and negotiation, you have control and the choices to make that will create a new person to say goodnight and goodbye to tonight.

The change happens so slowly that it can be hard to tell that the person you were a year ago and ten years ago are completely different people, there has been a thousand decisions, a million thought, a few revelation. Your friend are different, even if they are the same in form, they have grown, developed too, or at least I hope so, as if they have not even crawl a little ahead they have killed the person they could have been, and if you are the same, that means you have turned your back on your future. It is never too late to start growing, but embracing change as soon as you can as it is the only chance of getting to a better place, and I know no one who is completely happy, just some who are happier than most.

We have to learn to say goodbye to ourselves so that we can change and grow, so that we do not get stuck in the stories of who we were and instead deal with who we are now and who we want to be in the future, where are we growing towards. However that person in the future requires the death of who we are, it is sacrifice, it is a choice to give up something for a better position, not that the future you should govern what you are today, you do not get to put your happiness on hold for future money, achievement, glory. Happiness is a choice, not a circumstance, it is not conditional, suffering is an intrinsic part of life, it is there for contrast with joy, you can not have one without the other.

The Buddhist sit with their suffering and let is be, the stoics put their attention into what they control, the Taoist follow the way and let life flow. No one holds on to who or what they think they are and hopes that stubbornly refusing to change or alter who they are will make the world change to suit their ways. The world is indifferent to you, it is the stage not the director, life is not playing you, acting out a drama for your benefit, and if it gives you a chance to experience joy, it was not a reward for long service, it was entirely incidental. There are not fates guiding us on an epic journey, we have to make our own and the angels that guide us come from ourselves, they are the internal truths that we have to externalize so that we realize what we really want.

Our internal life is all important only to ourselves, what matters to others is how we act, what we do, play out any life you want inside of you, but remember that the point of contact with others is where reality actually lies, that is where you have to take care and use your thoughtfulness through the act of empathy and imagining how someone else feels whilst knowing that they will only be able to take you on face value and they will definitely be thinking different thoughts to you.

You know this to be true if you can recall how you have thought before, you have not always thought in the same way, you had childish thoughts when you were a child, you had jealousy thoughts when you were in love, angry thoughts when rejected, if you have had any richness in your emotional journey, you will realise that you have changed many times. That is why you need to say goodbye to who you were, so you can forgive those who leave you, who stop wanting you, so you can say good morning, good to meet you to someone new, who will join you on the next part of your wonderful journey through life, you say goodbye for new beginnings that were only possible by leaving and start a new day with a new and future you.

That is not to say that you do not learn or remember, there are mistakes that are good to say goodbye to, pain does past and time does heal. No one is saying that you can not treasure those bittersweet memories, that they are unimportant, not least to you, but you can only move to a sweet after taste by enduring the bitter tones of life first. It is the salt in soup that makes it tasty, we need heart break, frustration, sadness and even a little fear and hate to move beyond them and into a better place, one full of love, where we are able in live in the presence of grace, easy and joy, that is a place worth the journey through the valleys of goodbyes.