Confronting yourself with loving kindness?

There is only one person you have to be completely honest with and that is yourself, that is your full responsibility and it is completely in your hands whether you ever do so. You can easily spend a lifetime avoiding difficult conversation, hurtful ones, you never have to tell anyone anything, you can hide away and live with any delusion that you like, you can never tell a soul what you want or what they mean to you, it is easy to live with lies, especially the ones you tell yourself, but when you make that choice you stop being you, you become a passenger in other people's lives. However you can reclaim who you are whenever you like, you just have to make the choice to confront who you are and live with them, with your perfect imperfection, but do so with loving kindness because the alternative is unbearably sad.

You can make yourself as busy as you like to avoid yourself, you can always find something else to do, and it is undeniable that so many people have no choice in the matter, they are kept busy with just surviving. Though if you are fortunate to have an abundance of resources and time, it does not mean you do not have problems as you are always there, they come from the outside but you are always the source of your suffering, and when you are not living an authentic, an honest life with truthful relationships, it is going to hurt and there will be suffering before midnight.

We chose our lies, and when some one lies to you, you are part of that lie even if you were not consciously aware of it, the subconscious always knows and it wonders why you are believing something that is not true. It will even send you thoughts, feeling that do not make sense as a friend has told you the opposite to what is truth, you can even choose to pretend that you are the victim of deliberate betrayal if you want, but the truth is that you played along for twenty years, then acted out a role that you never knew that you were playing, you are still responsible. Though even a lie contains truth, and that is what makes them so consistence and yet distorting of reality, so convincing they can feel better than the truth and the truth can be ugly, complicated, it is not simple and neat, rather there are layers, something can be true and a lie at the same times, and it can even change with time.

There is no limit to how much of a fool you can be, but fools can be wise, they can see greater truths that are hidden behind the clouds of small lies that exist in the world. You can be foolish in who you love, you can emotionally invest in imperfect people, and we are all imperfect, you can love for the wrong reason, in the wrong way, but love can still be there, it can be tangled up in melodrama that you are unaware of, and still be true, have an element of truth and honesty. However if want to ignore love, that is also an option, you can ignore it until the midnight of your life, you can live with unreal possibility, but it will almost certainly bring you regret in the end.

Instead you can choose to face your feeling at any moment you like, you can turn downstream and instead trust your feelings, they might not take you to where you think you want to go, life changes, it is unpredictable, scary and full of fear, but love will always guide you, it is the most honest and accurate compass you have. If a feeling comes from a place of love, acceptance of the truth, responsibility for that feeling and the willingness to act on those feelings with loving kindness, even painful loving kindness, then you get to honour your feelings, act in accordance with those feeling, and when you trust your feeling, they will get you to where you need to go, even if the journey can get a little rough on the way.

However whenever you are in doubt, which will be often, the mind is there to warn you of danger through thoughts and feeling, and love is terrifying, it is putting all your money on red and then finding out the there is only one red slot on a roulette wheel that is all black. That is not a reason not to play, you are living breathing, healthy and you have been given the opportunity to love, so honour that love in the everyday, trust that love, your feelings, stand by your them even when you are told that they are wrong, unthinkable, foolish, naive, even when you see it in their eyes, because there is truth there and just because you are confronting yourself does not mean someone else is ready. Feelings do not happen in isolation, feeling are always shared, but that does not mean that because they are true for you that they will ever be for some else, sometimes you are just a side player in someone else's life and everyone is just too polite to tell you, so even if your feelings only lead you to that truth, it is better than living a lie, just because it is convenient for the consistence of the truth of their internal world. You owe no one your life, and when you play that role, you lose part of your truth, somehow you forget to be you, and become the role you have been given, even if you never knew you were playing that part.

And it is astonishing when you realise at a certain point that you stopped being you or who you thought you were, when you thought you were playful, spontaneous, light heart, open, honest, but somehow every action you take is inconsistent with that idea. You have to tell people who you are not just with words, but with your action, how you are in the world, what stance you wish to take, the quality of person you wish to be. You get to decide all these things, you get to choose your actions, they are all your choice, it is your responsibility fully, there is no one else, but remember you deserve as much loving kindness as anyone else, you have to treat yourself with at least as much loving kindness as you would treat a dear friend, ideally even more as you have the time! As how can treat others with that kindness if you have never practiced on yourself, and how can you receive it if you have never experienced it from yourself, it would be completely inconsistent with your internal experience and it would always feel like an lie because if you do not give it to yourself, that is your only experience, that you do not deserve it as that is the action you are taking.

Feeling are powerful information, they are not always easily understood, they have to go through the prism of your thinking mind, and they can be distorted by those thoughts. Whenever you are in doubt return to those feeling that are in your body, do not hold on to them, and the action of letting go is letting things be, it is the grasping onto thoughts that causes suffering, that keeps us stuck in past moments that have become more important than the current moment, what is happening in your sensory experience at this moment and we can be so blind to it. Every single moment of your life is so deep, full of so much experience and yet we choose to ignore it, to live in our dreams, regrets and hopes, that is when you start or more accurately stop, you get to see the beauty in even the worse moments, you get to see purpose in misfortune, suffering and even loss. You can honour the lessons of your past and even make plans for your future, you get to laugh and love, share life experiences, however never stop facing who you are.

It is only by facing who you are, what your feelings are, being prepared to stand by them, trust them, what you want and being prepared to take the action, say the words no matter how painful, how much it grieves you to have lost what was deeply meaningful to you that you get to truth, and that is always better, stronger. That is the promise, the only one that I can give you, there is a stronger version of you that is not even plausible at the moment, you can not imagine what you have never had, you can guess but you will never know until you pursue every avenue, every hint that your feelings give you, stand by your feeling, trust them, they never operate in isolation, and then trust time. It is only time that tests reality truly, you will be missed or you will stop missing them, you will move closer to a good place or away from a bad one, you will make more choices that moves you towards better version of you or you will stay where you are, that is what being a growing being of consciousness, it is taking the journey that is in front of you and uniquely yours, the one that is meant for you alone, that spring out of the circumstances of your life and that was meant for you and your skill and abilities. Then you make that story yours, you live in alignment with who you have found out yourself to be, but act with elegance, skilfulness, and most of all with loving kindness, you are after all, just a human being.