Seeing through darkness?

One of the advantages of disciplined daily writing is that you get to write through every mood you can imagine, you get to look from the centre outwards instead of inwards from an external point of view. Sadly I am not an writer who can relies on mania and the mood taking me (I do not entirely believe that such writer exist, and if they do, I do not like them), instead I just have to write everyday and put up with the many, many mistakes I make and rely on the boring hard work of editing to put things right, and it is fortunate coincidence that such routines that just get things done no matter what, is also the easiest way through those periods of darkness that an active imagination produces as a waste product as reliably as a cow produces, well let say valuable manure. Whether it is writing, exercise, reading, meditation, walking, daily routines are the only thing that will always lift me back up, and I start with my simplest cure as anyone who is truly in the darkness does not need telling what it is, and probably does not have the energy to read all the way to the end as would be the tradition place to put the solution that worked for me (mostly), so I have put it up front as it were.

As you might be wondering as to whether it is worth you time to read about getting through something that you are not experiencing at the moment, you could reasonably argue that maybe you should save it for later for when you are feeling the darkness, but when you are feeling it you won't have the energy to do so as everything takes so much energy, it is a cruel trick that we forget that when we are happy again, we feel spontaneous and full of energy so we do not need a routine as much. Which means that we do not put in place the best cure for darkness when it the easiest to do so, and when you are in the thick of it you do not have the energy to start new habits, as routines are best started long before the darkness, the ideal circumstances being when you are open, excited and happy to try new things. You do not even have to do that much to start a habit of walking, putting your outdoor clothes on and a pair of shoes is as much as you need to do everyday or commit to, of course if you want to go for a walk after the grand tying of the shoe laces, that is fine, enjoy it especially if it is raining, there is nothing better than tea and crumpet after a good walk through the rain.

It might seem strange to deal with a mind problem first with a physical action, but the mind does love a metaphor to latch on to, and whilst the world of stuff is mostly moving from A to B and often back again, might seem simple, it is also clear and straight forward (literally in the case of walking), it is so real, not like the mind with it's inconsistency and incessant talking around in circles. It is very hard to argue with physical reality, if you believe that there is really no-self and everything is an illusion try walking through a wall, it won't argue with you, it will break your nose but it won't be personal, it will just be one thing “that should know better” walking into something that has no intention, freewill, self-knowledge or ability to do anything about it. No one knows why we have been given this gift of being ability to pay attention and have awareness, it comes at price but it is only in my dark moment that I wonder why we have been given the gift of knowing the world at the cost of being aware that we will die, the rest of the time I am grateful for the gift of appreciating the beauty of the world, no other creature in the universe has this gift of seeing the world this way, but that is what imagination gets you, it is a two edged sword that cuts both ways.

Our experiences gives us knowledge and a guide to truth and it is very hard to ignore the physical metaphor of walking through a snow storm, the misery of it, the way the snow sticks to anything at any angle, the slowness of your actions and how cold you are, and then the contrast with how you feel when you get home and warm up again with good strong tea and a fire blazing. It is hard concrete proof that everything changes, that feeling, emotions, the cold, it all passes, that you can go from miserable and trying to gauge how close to freezing to death you are, to feeling just about as happy as a human being can get (without the good drugs) in the space of twenty minutes. You can talk philosophy for as long as you like but you can not beat the physical reality of real contrast, of actually feeling your bones warm up and your mood changing in real time.

That is something your mind can not argue with or come up with a clever logical trick, except for the important cravat that you remember it and internalise it, which sounds easy except that you have to remember to remember it when you are thinking dark thoughts and the thing about the darkness is that it is able to dominate your thinking to exclusion of everything else. Which is why we have the things that we do everyday no matters our mood because they are the things that we do, everyday, that is why I do not include the gym or god forbid running, it is not even healthy to do these things everyday, you are suppose to have rest days, what I want is daily routines that can not be put off or negotiated with, laziness is a vicious hostage taker, give it a chance and it going to take everything you have or want to do.

That is why rain does not stop my walk, no matter what, cold, put more layers on, my only exception is wind storms that are an official risk to life (It is not at my discretion it is entirely up to the weather forecast, and yes, it is my adult version of a snow day and I try to enjoy it when it happens) and that stops a lot of debate, sure there are days when some negotiation is required, so I give myself permission to turn back to home if I want, I only have to go as far as the shop and then I can decide. Though almost without fail once I am out the door I do my full walk with joy and no resent at having tricked myself again, that is the thing with routine once you get out the door the rest just kind of happens almost like it is an unthinking habit, and by building this walk into my day, I can forget about how good it feels, how change always comes, you can not argue with real physically daily experience, it seeps into your bones.

Of course, routine is not the only thing I do to help myself, but it is the bedrock, though many things in my routines also help with the darkness, walking release good hormone that make us happier, meditation gives you the skills to sit with your darkness, not judge or react with it instead you get to just observe it rather than judge and react, as darkness does contain information, maybe even things that is hidden from your consciousness mind. After all our conscious is only a small fraction compared to our subconscious mind, our conscious mind is where we bind our experience together and our subconscious minds transfer information between them in this space and receive our intentions.

When we treat the darkness as information it gives us a chance to integrate it into ourselves, if we got dark about it, it must be useful in some manner, it could even be part of ourselves that we boxed away to deal with later, but like anything our darkness will pass whether we deal with it or not, however using that information might just keep the darkness away for a little longer next time. It only by having the courage to face into the darkness that we are able to ride through it, our routines help us to keep on moving us forwards, but that does not change the fact that when we are in it, we only get to take small steps one at a time back towards the light, which is a slow process that can not be rushed, so relax into the journey and see through the darkness with your loving, open heart to make it meaningful and hopefully a little less awful, good luck.