In defence of modesty?
Modesty is not a fashionable quality, it has been left in the past with hat wearing and door holding, I hear that we should be loud and proud nowadays, that we have to show people our truth whether they want it or not, that to not express and live in perfect alignment with your inner-self is a crime against universal spirit and human nature. Poor old modesty has been put on the naughty step, told to be quiet and not to comment on what you are wearing or saying, arrogance is the new manners and total honesty is the only policy. However what if modesty is not all bad if it is a choice, perhaps it is closer to the way you actually want to live, maybe you are not good at being loud and you feel vulnerable in sharing everything.
Of course, no one want a a return to strict modesty, where there are penalties for being immodesty, social exclusion, criminal prosecution and even death, as has been the fate of those unfortunate enough to live in socially backwards societies (sadly up until the current day, and probably for awhile yet). However that does not change that there should always be choice, that is I hope a given in the minds of anyone reading this, though for there to be a choice both has to be acceptable not just one, but for too long modesty has been the embarrassing uncle that no one wants to talk about or associate with. Especially when there is the exciting possibilities of being immodest, getting drunk, high, wild and adventurous, getting a reaction and stimulating excitement, there is a lot of fun in that, and when it comes without a social cost, who is going to be complaining and asking for more restrictions, who wants rules when you could be partying.
Then comes the hangover, the broken banisters, ruined amplifiers, promises forgotten, the sick feeling of knowing you are going to have to face people that you were insulting to the previous night when you were sharing your truth. Immodesty has a price, it is living on the surface where everything is out in the open, where you tell everyone how great you are, you show them everything about yourself in the shortest amount of time possible, nothing is hidden or revealed with time, as honesty requires that you tell no lies not even by emission, you have to share everything or you are being falsely modest, which is the same as being untruthful. That is not a choice it is a cult that is trying to control you into living a life that you might not even have asked for.
Modesty when chosen can be delightful, it immediately gives you depth, something to find out about you, you are no longer putting it all out there, you get to keep some of yourself within you, you get to have privacy, you get to figure things out before sharing them, you get to ponder and play with thoughts, feeling and ideas before they are fully formed. The creative process needs a lot of quiet time before it is safe to release your creations into the world, can you imagine if Shakespeare had workshopped a man talking to a skull whilst having a mental breakdown, it might have been sent to the drawer of doomed ideas to work on, which is the equivalent of them being sent to the Gulag never to return.
Things take time to develop, you do not marry someone on the day you meet them, you need time to try them out, see how they are in a variety of situations, you are attracted to depth in others, you do not want to know everything about them in one conversation, no matter how long it is. We need to see them through the lens of time, how their moods, emotions and feelings change and what is their range, it is not good if someone is sweet for the majority of the time and then violently manic for the rest. So why do we think that other do not want the same in us, it is good to have things to discover about you, especially if they are good, you do not have to tell everyone everything about you straight away.
Which feels strange to say in a world that has such an obsession with selling yourself, presenting your best self to everyone, you are not allowed to hide yourself light under a bush, but you do not have to buy into it and in any case when everyone is telling you the same thing, there is a good chance that it is wrong or that there is a one size fits all approach and you might not be that size. I could be only writing this article because the advice out there is so one sided that it has virtually become a societal mantra, that you put everything out there, that the contrarian in me, feels compelled to argue the opposite, and yet, it is not, because it is the way that I live and it makes me happy not to feel the pressure to be relentless honesty and open about everything. I enjoy having conversations where I just play with ideas rather than truths, where I am not competing in a game of who has the greatest truth, who is better, it is a joy to be underestimated, to have people not know everything about me, to have privacy even in public, it is a delight to have no pressure to win.
Instead I get to just be with people, to listen, to laugh, to play word and board games, without anything to prove, to not demand attention by how I am or what I look like, if you are not playing that game, there is a lot that you stop caring about, you get to drop your judgement and assumptions, because you know that you are not playing that game any more, so why assume anyone else is. By having depth, you can not help but feel that others have depth too, we find it hard not to think everyone else thinks in the same way that you do at this moment (even when you know that you have thought differently in the past), that is why happy people think everyone is basically happy, and depressed people think everyone is depressed underneath it all, and you can not judge others on incomplete information and modesty is by it's nature hiding information, as it deliberately does not reveal everything, other people's judgement is not going to be correct as they truly do not know you, and vice-a-versa.
Though do not think for a moment that there is not a spectrum of modesty or that it can not be different in the various parts of your life, you might be immodest in your cooking ability but modest about your beekeeping skill, it does not have to make sense, it just has to feel right to you. There is no rights and wrongs just choice, once you know you are making a choice, it gives you a chance to exerise that discretion, and if you are unaware that you have been making a decision, it is probably because you have been following the habits of others. Age gives us the wisdom to start making our own decisions, especially as we realise the scope of choices that we have made without being aware of them, there is nothing wrong with that, in the learning process, we copy before we start to create, the same is true for living, we follow the examples of others before we can start living your own life.
Whether to be modest is probably not the most important decision to make in your life, and the effects might be marginal, you might be a little warmer, less domineering in conversation, quieter, you might start putting more emphasis on listening and you could even attractive less attention. However it is not for everyone, that is the nature of choice, it is to move you closer to who you are, and there is no shame in any decision you make, but modesty needs a voice too, especially as it so damn quiet about it's virtues, maybe modesty needs some immodesty, and immodesty needs some modesty, well, would that not be ironic.
